Critters & Creatures: Pre-Programmed Back Story

Pre-Programmed was written next. I came up with the full title while on the phone with my brother, talking about some toxic behaviors we'd witnessed in people somewhat close to us. We discussed breaking behavioral patterns intentionally, and then later we talked about the notion of wanting to feel special among the masses.

The full title was (still kind of is) Pre-Programmed Patterns/Mundane Among Millions/Special to Someone. The original idea was that ants are each just one of countless beings, doing what they're designed to do without any second-guessing (as many humans do too), but then one ant (me lololol) realizes that there may be more to life than just living by these rules and beliefs that had never been questioned before. The high C, that creeps into the second part and slowly moves down toward the melody in the middle-upper bass range, represents "the call" that we experience when we feel that there is more to life than how we have been living.

The ant goes on a journey of self-discovery, hearing that tiny voice and then following it. The Ab minor chord (minor iv - soooo poignant) shows the hesitancy of answering "the call". It can be scary at the beginning of the journey of personal development and healing, realizing you've been wrong about so many things and that it's time to make some significant shifts in your life.

The main melody heard at the beginning comes back, but this time flipped around, and it climbs up and up, representing how the beginning of the self-discovery journey often happens in solitude, away from others—I know it did for me, back in the summer of 2017.

The descending Ab minor chords and subsequent crunchy, juicy, jazzy chords represent the re-entering into society and trying to relate to others who are still living under the veil of consciousness, in their pre-programmed patterns. That high C (this time in octaves) represents a consistent reminder that even though your inner voice may not match what you're experiencing with other people, it is still there and can remain strong.

The next part, with suuuper crunchy chords, pulsing... This part perfectly encapsulates the deep, tender, and extremely uncomfortable feelings I was starting to develop for the man I was dating. We were still just casual and non-exclusive at that point, and I felt like my feelings were forbidden. At the same time, the moments I shared with him were so happy, peaceful, and nice... Such tranquil intimacy.

The original theme comes back because wanting to feel special to someone is, after all, a pre-programmed pattern...! And the ending represents the spinning around in my head about our dating situation and finally landing in the exact same spot where I started. I didn't intend for this to happen, since the entire last section was an improvisation originally, but the notation looks like a bunch of little ants! Serendipity at its finest.

Even though I ended things with the man I was dating, I feel eternally grateful for his impact in my life. Though the timing was off—we wanted different things from the beginning but tried to make it work for a while, and ended up massively creatively inspiring each other—I harbor no hard feelings for him and wish him well. He truly inspired me to get back into writing music again, and I believe the short but intense time we spent together was no accident. He will forever be a small but significant part of my musical journey.