Love Letters to Myself - Always Changing

My favorite song on the album! This one includes the most instruments I've ever written and played entirely myself all in one song—we have the guitar (which is always present, throughout the whole song), piano, melodica, vocals, and egg shaker!

I started writing this song after my most significant breakup of my life, about a year and a half after I released this album (nearly two years ago now). In writing this song (the first song I ever wrote for guitar), I found a lot of peace and solace in ending things with someone that had become so integrated into my life for those six years.

The line about dying came directly from my cousin, about the breakup. I had told her that I had outgrown my ex in so many ways, and she mentioned how her boss once told her "We're either growing, or we're dying." That really stuck with me.

I started writing this song after that breakup, then I finished writing it after my most recent falling out with another man... I wrote the piano fills or flourishes at 2:26, 2:32, 2:37, and then again at 2:59, 3:04, and 3:10 after I ended things with the guy that had inspired me to really get back into writing music again.

And the last line of that first section, "I wanna live" refers to the very dark time in my life—from ages 11 to 25—where I spent a lot of my time and energy utterly loathing myself. Though I never actually attempted suicide, I did think about it many, many times. In those extremely dark times, the only therapy I had was writing and music, the two most solid forms of healing I still use now. Those two things have kept me so grounded, when my inner world is now fortunately much brighter than I ever could have imagined, but lots of darkness has inevitably shown up in the outer world around me.

The rhythm on the guitar is so fun to play, with the syncopation and fairly simple chords. But it's pretty challenging to play the guitar and sing the different rhythms at the same time! I needed to pinpoint exactly where the guitar's syncopation lines up with the sung melody. I'm able to play and sing it together sometimes, but I don't always get it right!!

For the last five years I've been on a massive journey of self-discovery, self-love, and developing and maintaining a solid relationship with myself. I've always had a complicated relationship with my emotions, particularly in allowing myself to feel sad or angry. The next line speaks directly to the idea that if you close yourself off to feeling one emotion, it suppresses the expression of all the other emotions, too: "Dear, let yourself feel / Embrace it all / Cause if you don't feel that one thing, you won't feel at all"

The next part refers to all of the people I've lost over the last couple years—my mom to cancer, my best friend to a confusing ghosting/falling out, and my now ex-boyfriend. The first two were not by choice, but either way it was still very painful to lose all of those people in such a short amount of time: "You were there for me / And now, I'm on my own / But I'm still growing, changing one step at a time"

With this part I accidentally moved the vocal track too far past where I'd intended it to be. But I actually liked the way it sounded, starting four measures later, so I kept it! I also just love the guitar part, so I liked letting it shine without any vocals over it for a little while.

Though the ending chord is the IV, not the I, I ended the song on the note D in the guitar, to go along with the lyrics "We'll be all right / Find our way home".

—

Change, always changing

Grow (grow, grow), grow with me

Or else we're dying, dying

I wanna live (I wanna live)

Dear, let yourself feel

Embrace it all

Cause if you don't feel that one thing,

You won't feel at all

You were there for me

And now, I'm on my own

But I'm still growing, changing

One step at a time

We'll be all right

Find our way home.